Nothing could improve this moment, (except maybe a bigger television). Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says, "What exactly do you think you're doing?"
Is this a trick question ? Erm... Yes, it is.
The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home improvement centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide the type of curtain rod or colour of paint that's just right for your lounge.
How does this work ?
It has as much to do with the nature of the question
itself as with anything else. Women are experts at posing questions that
seem to have no right answer. Here's a common example.
"DO I LOOK FAT ?"
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted
as "YES".
"No" means yes, "Yes" means yes, "I don't know" means
yes, "It doesn't matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause
before speaking means, "Yes, Yes, Yes".
Most of us would rather crawl across broken glass than answer this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't actually work, but all other options are worse.
There are several other questions for which "No" is the only answer and several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified "Yes". In all of these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is unlikely to pay off. Consult this handy chart :
Just say 'NO' to:
Is there somebody else ?
Do you still fantasize about her ?
Are you tired of me ?
Just say 'YES' to:
Do you still love me ?
Do you ever fantasize about me ?
Do you like my hair this way ?
Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than
a simple yes/no response.
Some of them are more like riddles, such as this one
:
"WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER ?"
Picture the scene. You're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice that would lead even Mr. Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever you old trout !!".
If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think that you're trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's because you know you can't pick the one's she has on. Some men try a non-linear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes. But this is inevitable taken as either an attack on her judgement or an opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another dress. You might as well say, "You're fat".
This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why is she trying to elicit your opinion ?
This is part of an ongoing campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels. In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive, "I dunno" should do the trick. But don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second pair are better after all.
"WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING ?"
This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as, "forward", or "upstairs", or "I dunno". Another problem is that you and your girlfriend are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together. While you want an easier question.
There is certainly no point in answering a toe curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what she wants to hear. Questions such as this one are a category onto themselves, i.e. Answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading enquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.
HER : Where do you see this relationship going ?
YOU : Where do you see this relationship
going ?
HER : Do you think she is attractive ?
YOU : Who ?
HER : Will you marry me ?
YOU : Where am I ?
HER : What if I were pregnant ?
YOU : Are you pregnant ?
HER : Why ? Do I look fat ?
Whoops ! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach :
HER : What if I were pregnant ?
YOU : What if I were pregnant ?
At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all purpose question-n-answers include :
How much is a lot ?
Why do you ask ?
Should I be ?
What are you saying ?
Does it matter ?
What's love gotta do with it ?
Are you talking to me ?
Note : Are you having your period ? Is NOT one of these.
Lets' try a maths question.
"HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH ?"
Hmmm.... Now, you can tell the truth, unless the truth is more than 12. Or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a living.
S
+ Y + A <=12
2
Where:
S=Number of people she's slept with, plus...
Y=Number of people she knows you've slept with, plus...
A=Number of people you've actually slept with.
The sum of those three numbers divided by 2.
If you round up to the nearest whole person, you should
end up with a realistically healthy but not particularly shocking number.
If the result is greater than 12, then say 12.
Let's move on.
"WHY DON'T YOU LIGHTEN UP ?"
This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a night-club and spend the whole time complaining because the music is too loud and there aren't any chairs. There is no good answer to this one. You could draw attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn't like it when you act like a kid or when you act like your dad: then again, if you do that, she's liable to see your point and break up with you. Speaking of breaking up, how's about this one :
"ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO END IT ?"
Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back to her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject.
Let's try something easier.
"NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME ?"
Well, slightly easier. This type of question is
of similar type to two others, they being:
"Have you forgotten what today is ?" and "Have you been
listening to a word I've said ?"
Apart from being questions that are easier to answer wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They are best treated in an ironic/modern context, i.e. just say what Al Bundy would say:
HER : Notice anything different about me ?
YOU : New apron ?
HER : Have you forgotten what today is ?
YOU : Of course not. It's Thursday.
HER : Have you been listening to a word I've said
?
YOU : That's nice dear......
Funny, huh ? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions. Such as :
"HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY ?"
This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you think you are?" are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor pity was, in her original decision to go out with you and how that decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex.
You're not supposed to really answer either of these questions. You're just supposed to apologize for your wanton self esteem/having. Or, instead of apologizing, just smile. Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man are a kind of revenge all by themselves. Next !
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY ?"
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop out of the blue, this question does NOT pop out of the blue. This general query about fidelity, on a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer :
YOU SAY: Yes.
YOU MEAN: How much does she know
?
SHE THINKS: He's hiding something
YOU SAY: It
depends.
YOU MEAN: How much does she know
?
SHE THINKS: I knew it !
YOU SAY: Why
do you ask ?
YOU MEAN How much does
she know ?
SHE THINKS: Bastard!
YOU SAY:
I dunno. Do you ?
YOU MEAN: How much does she know
?
SHE THINKS: How much does he know ?
There are several more variations, but they're not worth
going into. By the time she asks you this question, you're already
in big trouble. It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as
you don't blush when you answer.
Let's look at an example that calls for more straight
forward lies.
"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ?"
She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?",
and you thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and
just letting your eyes swivel. Obviously the truth is NOT the best
answer here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes
before you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough
to answer this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off
guard, their ability to deceive is impaired.
Here area few of the more common mistakes men make when
asked this question.
TOO SPECIFIC: The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of that mailbox over there.
NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: That thing.
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: A diamond necklace in that window back there that would be perfect for you.
TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: A see-through nightie in that window back there that would be perfect for you.
TOO OBVIOUS: Nothing.
WAY TOO OBVIOUS: That blonde babe over there with the big... erm, nothing.
Here's one that requires a little interpretation :
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW ?"
This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency
or seemingly unsolvable problem arises.
The part that requires interpretation is the mysterious
"WE" in the middle. This means two things: in one sense, "we" clearly
means "you" - as in "What are you going to do now?"; but there is
also a sense of "we're in this together" implying that you bear equal responsibility
for the fact that she's just dropped her key's down a drain, or that she
stores her car jack and spare tire in the garage so that they wont get
stolen.
In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer that you can think of is "We are going to break up. Good bye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised :
"WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING ?"
Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question that you should never ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth Amendments rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't say anything when she asks:
"SHOULD I GET ALL MY HAIR CUT OFF ?"
If you say anything, then when she does go and gets all her hair cut off (and let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say "Does it make me look fat?". You're on your own!
1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing
gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months.
After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local Chemists
shop, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist
to help himself. Now go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick
up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy, It will be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8 to 12lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: First buy an octopus and a net-string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this test: All morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet roll tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk carton, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the sporty 2-seater hot-hatch. Buy a Mini Van, and don't think you can leave it out in the drive spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar, put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a 10 pence piece and stick it in the cassette player. Take a family- size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car... There!, Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbours come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Honey Nut Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half of the Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.
12. When you find yourself singing, "I love you. You love me..." at work. You're now finally qualified as a parent.
