One of our acolytes recently posed the Pope an important ecclesiastical question. He'd asked his Holiness for an answer on certain esoteric matters. The Pope replied,

"...as long as it gets me laid, I don't give a shit!"

Following his mighty wisdom (and as the pubs were nearly open!) the acolyte forwarded us this horoscope. As we couldn't be arsed editing it or creating a Church horoscope of our own. We just used his and pasted it here. If you have any comments or thoughts about the horoscope page, e-mail them to the usual address. (We probably won't be arsed to review or edit them either. But we'll paste 'em up anyway.)

"Blessed be the blisters."

ARIES You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.

TAURUS Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic, a real fucking weirdo. Your the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare state.

VIRGO You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually gay and the majority of Virgo women are whores.

LIBRA You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You always have snot on your clothes.

SAGITTARIUS You are the romantic type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. You thrive on incest.

CAPRICORN You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centred cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES You are the eternal pessimist, seeing the worst of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.