St. Jammy,  Oi you!  What do you think you're doing!?

Pope Pussy,  It's not my fault!  You've no proof!

S.J.  What do you mean?

P.P.  I got lost!... Oh, It's you!!  I was just, erm, crusin' for converts.

S.J.  In a ladies toilet!  Good job know one saw you.  Listen, isn't it about time you gave that interview?

P.P.  Not now I'm busy.  I'm just about to perform a baptism.

[The Pope disappears into cubicle 2 from which strange, unidentifiable sounds emerge]

[1 minute and 38 seconds later...]

P.P.  Right, I'm ready now!

S.J.  So, this Church of Lager thing.  What's it all about?

P.P.  Beer and gettin' laid.

S.J.  Is that all?

P.P.  Of course 'that's all'!!  Everything else are just side issues.  Unless it leads to beer and getting laid of course!

S.J.  Where does your philosophy come from?

P.P.  It comes from the teachings found in the famous Book of Lager.

S.J.  Oh that!  Well where did the Book of Lager come from?

P.P.  It comes from the experiences and recollections of the Lord of Lager.

S.J.  Ok.  We'll come back to that later.  Now, how do you spend your day?

P.P.  Erm, drinking beer and getting laid.

S.J.  You're obviously a very busy man.  Do you find time for other pursuits?

P.P.  Yeah, beer and girls.

S.J.  I see.  Have you any advice for the acolytes on the subject of girls?

P.P.  Yeah.

S.J.  And that advice is?

P.P.  [Hesitates] God I'm thirsty!  Can we continue this in the pub?

S.J.  Sure.

[Break in tape]

[4 minutes, 38 seconds and a short taxi ride over the road, later....]

[interview continues]

S.J.  There you go!  One pint of of lager for you and the obligatory pint of Guinness for me.  Oh, yeah, here's your crisps.  Prawn Cocktail wasn't it?  Ok.  Now, about this advice on girls.  Can you elaborate?

P.P.  Have you got a sister?

S.J.  Yes.  And you've already had her!

P.P.  What about your mother?

S.J.  Her as well, twice!

P.P.  Oh well, never mind.

S.J.  [Exasperated] Look, about this advice.  What sort of girls do you generally go for?

P.P.  Any that will let me usually.

S.J.  I see.  Quite a narrow field then.

P.P.  Not necessarily.  [The Pope suddenly start to scan the pub in a rather furtive manner]  Look, I don't suppose you've got a girlfriend around here that you're not using for the next 2 minutes?

S.J.  Errm....

P.P.  Never mind.  I'll sort something out later on.  What was it you were saying?

S.J.  I was talking about advice for the acolytes.  What sort of things would you say to a girl?

P.P.  As little as possible usually.  At some point in the proceedings though I have to say,
"... for fuck's sake love, phone me a pizza, now! ..."

S.J.  Ahh pizza!  So food plays an important part in your daily rituals as well?

P.P.  Hang on a second will ya.  I think that barmaid is giving me the eye.

S.J.  Which one?  Oh yeah!  I think your in there mate!

P.P.  I know.  The power of the Lager can effect the weak minded.

S.J.  I'll just stand here and watch, shall I?

P.P.  Yeah, cool.  Back in a bit.

[The Pope moves off towards the bar.  But due to general chit-chat and other background noise,  only part of the conversation between the barmaid and His Holiness can be heard]

P.P.  I am the shag you're looking for.

Barmaid,  You are the shag I'm looking for.

P.P.  I'm very good in bed.

B.M.  Yes, you're very good in bed.

P.P.  We need to go upstairs now.

B.M.  Yes, we need to go upstairs now.

[2 minutes, 18 seconds elapse]

Pizza Man,  Out the way mate.  I've got an urgent 'Papal Pizza Request' here!  Which room is His Holiness in today?

S.J.  Yeah, sorry mate.  Erm up the stairs, second door on the left, I think.

P.M.  Cheers mate.  [Rushes off]

[A further 38 seconds pass.  Pizza Man returns minus pizza]

P.M.  That'll be £4.95 mate.

S.J.  What!?

P.M.  The guy in the white mitre said it was your shout, so cough up the dosh!

S.J.  [Through clenched teeth]  I see, he said that did he.  [Cash exchanges hands and Pizza Man leaves]

[1 minute 17 seconds later, the Pope returns with a smug grin on his face]

S.J.  What's the bloody idea of me paying for YOUR pizza?

P.P.  [Looking straight into St. Jammy's eyes]  You don't mind paying for the pizza.

S.J.  I don't mind paying for the pizza.

P.P.  Why don't you buy another round?

S.J.  I'll buy another round.

P.P.  You do your job well.  Your master will be pleased.

S.J.  I do my job well.  My master will be pleased.

P.P.  [to himself]  Like lambs to the slaughter...

S.J.  [At the bar after ordering the next round of drinks]  Bloody Hell!  He IS my master.  He's only gone and used the old Lager Mind Trick on me...  Again!

P.P.  [To himself]  I hope he hasn't forgotten my prawn cocktail flavoured crisps.

S.J.  [Returning from bar, looking into P.P's eyes]  You'll give me the money for these beers.

P.P.  The old Lager Mind Trick won't work on me, boy!

S.J.  Bugger!

[A pause in the conversation as we sup our beers]

P.P.  Are you sure I've had your sister?

S.J.  Yes.  All last Thursday afternoon and for a few hours Sunday morning.  After confessional I think.

P.P.  Oh!

[Another pause]

S.J.  It's been said in some quarters that you're a bit of a tart.

P.P.  I like to feel that I'm just being sociable.  And don't forget it would be against the law not to!

S.J.  What law is this then?

P.P.  It's one of the Church Laws.

S.J.  But didn't you write those yourself?

P.P.  Yeah, great isn't it!

S.J.  Apparently many of our newer acolytes are worried about premature ejaculation.  What advice can you give them?

P.P.  Premature for whom?

S.J.  Ahh!

P.P.  Anything else you want to ask me?

S.J.  Actually yes.  I'm seeing this girl at the moment and she......

P.P.  [Interrupting]  Already have, mate.

S.J.  I owe you, Cheers!!

P.P.  Any time.

S.J.  I believe so!

[Break in tape]
 

At this point I terminated the interview with His Holiness.  Actually I ran out of tape and the Pope ran out on me.  He'd spotted two girls in the corner of the pub, surrounded by only six blokes.  An easy kill.  Seeing there were two girls, I was obliged to join him.  After all, it is THE LAW!