Here I am again, Pope Pussy I, to answer more important theological questions.  I will explain important points about church law, go over some other stuff and brag about my sexual conquests... that is, girls whom would let me! Many people have asked me to explain how this all started.  (Well at least two of you.)  So I thought I would read some verses from the 'Book Of Lager'.

"In the beginning, there was wine and mead.  This however, didn't refresh and it made the Holy Puke turn pink. Then they discovered ale, which was good.  You could drink 10 pints, throw up and have many coloured spew.  Yet the people were still unhappy and cried out shouting. '...this is better, but it really tastes shit!' Much moaning and gnashing of teeth could be heard, with many chav fights plaguing the land.

One day, the Lord of Lager heard the cries, saw the fights and was much moved at the devotion shown amongst his people.  On the twelfth day, he sort out his people in the drinking temples and verily said unto them. 'Why so unhappy in such a fine pub as this?' The people cried out, (as they were very upset at this point), 'We need something to drink that will refresh but won't make us look like big JESSES!' The Lord said, 'I have heard your cries for they were loud and I am sorely moved.  Gather your monies together and I will answer your prayers for that is what I can do on my day off!' Much dosh was collected and handed over to the Lord for they were very drunk.  The Lord took the money and went to the barman and through his power, performed the first of his many miracles. Before their very eyes he did turn money into LAGER.  He then handed pitchers of the beverage to his people and said, 'Get this down yer neck!' With much fear they drank the strange brew for they did not want to look like big girls whom drink Babycham or even Pims.  Then as one voice, they cried out saying, 'This is a miracle for it is good!  It is refreshing and it doesn't taste of shit!' Much rejoicing was done and they did feast on peanuts, crisps and pork scratchings.  Then, to their great delight, their sick was of a chunky consistency and manly texture.  On seeing this, the Lord decided to stay as it would not be his round for a long time.  After a short while, a number went up to Him and said, 'Lord, tell us more about this LAGER.  Tell us of its wonder!' The Lord replied in a mighty and dreadful voice, 'Lads - as that shall be your name as followers of LAGER - the path you have chosen is long and arduous and there will be much vomitus in many colours along the way.  This however, is the path to true enlightenment.  The way of LAGER holds many pleasures, all of which must be tried repeatedly before you reach your Nirvana, Hawkwind or even Pink Floyd.  Even then it must be tried again and again.' On hearing this the lads were impressed and begged to know more.  The Lord thought about this and was seen to grin like a git as the thoughts were good.  Again the lads cried to know more.  On witnessing such a sight the Lord held up his hands which displayed the holy blisters from much meditation.  A quiet beheld the crowd as they waited.  Then in a loud and clear voice the Lord spoke saying, 'FUCK OFF!' All did cry and wail on hearing this.  But one went up to the Lord and presented him with an offering of LAGER.  The Lord was pleased and was seen to grin once again for they were truly on the path of LAGER. The Lord held up his hands once more.  When there was quiet he declared. 'There shall be a book, a great tome and it will be called 'THE BOOK OF LAGER'.  It shall be a sacred book so don't get too much spew on it as it makes the cover smelly and sticky! This book shall hold the secrets of LAGER.  It will include diagrams of personnel meditation and explanatory excuses if you get caught. For you are now truly on the path and must gather in pubs on the holy nights of Friday and Saturday and worship the LAGER and your numbers shall swell for LAGER will give you wind!  This will make you undesirable to women however.  Thus to balance their lack of enthusiasm, your weapon shall be the SPADE and will be your symbol also!' There was much rejoicing. Seeing that his work for this night was done and to avoid paying for it was nearly his round, the Lord left to return home and meditate.  The lads were sad that he had left them.  They knew however, that he would return next Friday to rest his hands and imbibe of the holy LAGER once more."

Here endeth the lesson.

I hope you enjoyed this lesson.  In later weeks the Pope may provide more insights into the Church of Lager.

Keep your whistle damp and your pecker up!

Editor