Someday 13th Whatever 1998                                                                                                                                 Page3.

COL Mouth EDITORIAL COMMENT

What astonishing scenes the world has seen today outside the Papal residence. The media coverage has been extraordinary. The only time I can remember such a ruckus the size of this was when Whitbread Breweries bought out Higsons Ales and closed them down. But what about those apocryphal words read out in that statement. What is the Pope trying to tell us?

'Of course I've dated other birds, honest I have.'

Yeah sure Pope, what ever you say. Are these the first, tell tail signs of a leader teetering on the  edge? We believe so. Not only do we believe so. We believe we have the necessary proof. Only last week, the Pope had been seen with the as yet, unidentified female, on several occasions. Our reporter who scooped this exclusive, stated to me and I quote, "I heard him say the words LOVE and RELATIONSHIP in the same sentence! And that's not all. There apparently exists photographic evidence of the 'happy couple', HOLDING HANDS! I'd love to get my hands on them!"

Read the shocking truth on page 2.

In a worrying blow to men everywhere. Increasing numbers of women have been claiming that if there's no chance of being poked by the Pope. What's the point of shagging around and generally putting it about? If the rumours are true, it could result in a country wide sex drought. Possibly resulting in birds having enough time to re-discover feminism.

All this comes at a bad time for the Church which has been trying to play down a series of incidents that have generated bad publicity lately. Just last month, a Church member was seen drinking halves of Lager, apparently without a note from his mum. This followed another incident where a whole congregation left a prayer meeting at their local, dangerously close to sobriety. So sober in fact, that the meeting was marked by a total lack of vomit.

Standards seem to be slipping within the Church and the so-called Drunk of Drunkards seems to be leading the way. If the Pope wishes to restore public confidence, then he should be seen out on the piss immediately. This newspaper thinks that the Church should get back to traditional values and the Pope return to anointing the masses with the Holy Vomitus. I myself always take communion and continue to reaffirming my faith with the blessed Beer and spicy Kebab.

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