Careful investigative journalism from this newspaper has revealed a conspiracy of lies and deceptions focused in the highest echelons of power, all concerning the Pope's alleged previous one-night-stands. I spoke to one of these, so called 'dates', this morning to listen to her side of the story. At first Sandra (her real name) was reluctant to divulge any gossip, but I soon got the truth out of her after my colleagues and I plied her with the contents of a bottle of vodka and the promise of two suitcases stuffed with non-sequential, used 10's and 20's. The words that follow are hers and have not been fiddled with in any way - unlike Sandra. Honest.
"I'd heard of his reputation. I'd been dying to meet him for ages. His mojo is legendary but when I finally met him all of my dreams were crushed. I first bumped into him in a local pub and couldn't believe my eyes. My luck was in, a shag from the Pope, my life fulfilled! Despite chatting for over half an hour, he never looked at my cleavage once and even refused to grope my proffered leg. When we eventually got to a club, he refused to admit he was 'shag happy' and kept mumbling something like his girlfriend would know. 'Know what?', I asked him, but he remained tight-lipped. Later that night, this same man who was an inspiration for so many, refused an invitation to come back to my place. He then followed up this amazing refusal with the words, 'It's not my fault, my girlfriend understands me.' And then, against my wishes, proceeded not to ravish me in an all night marathon bonking session !"
Is this the same happy-go-lucky inebriated stud-muffin we've come to know and love? I would need more evidence. Later that day, I spoke to a time served acolyte, fairly high up in the Church we understand, whom we saw wandering aimlessly about, outside the Papal Pizza Parlor. "At first I couldn't believe it.", said the distraught man. "He only ever went out on one night stands before. Down to the clubs usually. He didn't care who she was, any old boiler would do, as long as she 'put out', as he'd often say. Now I'm not so sure. He's probably made it all up. I bet he's been shacked up with some fancy bird for months. Bastard! I feel completely betrayed. Have we not imbibed of the holy Lager? Have we not vomited at his command? Shit! I've spaded for him until my blisters bled! And this is how he repays me! I hope he's got an effing good explanation for his recent behaviour - for his sake!"
Reports have also apparently reached the Church of members, whom being so deeply shocked, have strayed from the path of Lager and have been seen drinking fizzy mineral water and going steady with their partner. One report even spoke of the Pope himself. It alleged he'd been spotted in the main Liverpool branch of M&S trying on comfortable cardigans. You be the judge.
Increasingly, dismaying reports have been coming in from the Pope's closest advisors. One senior source stated, "Although he's outwardly the same cheating, sexist, drunken bastard; His BIRDS I'M GONNA KNOB pizza diary is worryingly blank for the foreseeable future. Not only that, a copy of 'COSMO' was found in his office, while this months 'LOADED' has remained unread!"
Have no fear dear readers, we will persue this story wherever it takes us in order to unveil the truth. Even if it means us getting a little grubby and maybe missing our dinner occasionally.