This will be a forum for theological discussion.  In this session I would like to address some important questions & answers that brothers (& sisters) of beer should be aware.  Firstly it is important when looking for a partner to shag, to ask yourself some important questions such as these.

1. Is she a girl?

2. Am I related to her by blood?

3. Is she alive?

4. Does she put out?
 

The last question is quite important and needs to be considered twice. However question 3 is only a guide and need not be considered too important. Having narrowed down your field of search, there are some further questions the more experienced will need to know such as:

1. Does she put out - A lot?

2. Will she let me?

3. Does she swallow?

4. Will she complain if I pot the brown?
 

Silver Arrow badge holders or higher may feel the need to ask these extra questions as well.  These are more to establish credit rating and need to be considered if you get the chance.  For example:

1. Does she have a cheque guarantee card?

2. Does she have her own car?

3. Does she have her own house or flat?  (It's not important if its owned or rented.)

4. Does she put out?

5. Will she let me?

6. Does she swallow ?

7. Will she complain if I pot the brown?
 

The actual mechanics of convincing girls to shag you, are covered in such volumes as:

Spading for Beginners.

Conversations & Advanced Spading.

A Users Guide to Garden Equipment. (withheld due to current government ban on the misuse of hand-held garden tools.... Second hand copies can still be sourced.)

Hypnotism & Pheromone Sprays, A Technicians' Guide.

Spading World & Spading Monthly.

There are of course a lot more books & magazines available.  Further lists will be published as and when we can be bothered.  Now, assuming you are back at the girls house or flat etc., this might be the time for advanced users to make certain small gestures to impress.  [Note: Bronze Arrow badge holders or above only.] Some suggestions are:

Ordering the pizza and asking them to wait 15 minutes.  (Only do this if you can keep her talking for at least ten minutes.  Trying to hang on more than a few minutes can risk serious brain damage.)

Offering to sleep in the wet patch.  This is very useful as you can leave as soon as she's asleep.

There's a lot more which can be used, however this will get you started.  The next important area to look at is the following morning (or afternoon for advanced users.)  Here are some good things to say:

1. And you are .....?

2. Which one of us was sick?

3. So you didn't mind when I potted the brown!

4. The lads were right, you do swallow!

5. Is it true you also like girls?..... Can I watch?

6. Why is there crab cream on your dressing table?

7. Of course you had an orgasm!  It was such a big multiple you passed right out.  Don't you remember?  All right I will show you again .....!

8. Have you got an emergency pizza number?

9. Your sister was just the same; she liked it that way as well!

10. Your mother however, preferred it the other way!

11. Why is there sweetcorn under my foreskin?

There are a lot more.  Please feel free to add suggestions or even find girls I can vet.

Yours drunkenly,

Pope Pussy I