Welcome to this, the second newsletter of the Church of Lager.  Our motto - Oy, Mum Nooooo! - , has become synonymous with wild drinking parties, falling asleep on couches in front of a 'Clint' movie, bad hangovers and lurid descriptions of what other Church members would like to do to a certain person and their Amiga. (Don't forget folk's, ALL the special effects in 'Independence Day' were done on one single Amiga and one not that far from where our meetings regularly take place!) In these newsletters, we hope to bring fun, excitement, news, views and reviews, plus all hot topics and gossip.  We, of course, would like all our members to contribute, so get your drinking caps on folks and let me know what else you want to see in any forthcoming newsletter. (Nude pictures of Gillian Anderson could be included, but the scanner's not much cop, so I'm afraid the quality may not be any good.) This month, we're going to have a quiz to see if you and any of your friends are eligible to join our friendly flock. Don't forget, all they really need is enough money and attitude!

love Sister R.N.

Church Quiz. Are you Acceptable?
Answer the questions and see how you fare!

1) Do you drink:
a) LAGER. (Bottled or draught, make no difference.)
b) Pimms with lemonade, a slice of something and an umbrella.
c) Anything.
d) Nothing, I'm tee total and a boring git.

2) Your idea of heaven is:
a) LAGER.
b) Watching the TV for 12 hours then going to bed with several women for a marathon sex session.
c) Going to bed with anyone for a marathon sex session.
d) All of the above.
e) Sitting in a traffic cue on the M25 listening to Songs of Praise while the kids in the car next to you beat hell out of each other. (Though this can be amusing in itself watching the little bastards try and murder one another!)

3) While relaxing in the bath, do you like to listen to:
a) MOTORHEAD. (Whilst drinking copious amounts of....... LAGER.)
b) Selected favourites from the movies.
c) Local Hospital Radio.
d) Sunday night at the London Palladium.

4) You have cash in pocket, and have been invited out for a drink with a very, VERY attractive member of the opposite sex who has been desperate to get inside your undies for months.  Unfortunately, tomorrow you have to pay your rent/mortgage etc., or you will be evicted. Do you:
a) Think, "Bugger it, I might as well get my leg over while I still have a bed/couch/staircase/kitchen/ironing board (delete as appropriate) to get it over on."
b) Ask the very attractive person for a sub.
c) Ask your mates for a sub.
d) You're not that sort of person.  You wouldn't get your leg over until you'd courted this person properly for at least 12 months.  Been introduced to their parents.  Got engaged, then committed the heinous act of getting married.

5) Which words describe your personality best: (pick any that seem appropriate)
a) Loutish.
b) Flirt.
c) Brazen.
d) Sincere.
e) Rugged.
f) Myopic.
g) A good liar.
h) Worn out.
i) Pompous.
j) A good shag.
k) Boring.
l) Likes a quiet night in.
m) Humorous.
n) Rapidly declining to dementia.

6) When dining out, what do you like to eat:
a) Anything. Your too pissed to notice.
b) Cigarette butts out of the ashtray.
c) Pizza.
d) Tapioca and boiled fish.

7) You have a night in to yourself.  Do you:
a) Get out a six pack of ice cold LAGER from the beer fridge and watch hours of T.V.
b) Get out you worn, grainy copy of 'Nuns on the Toilet' and cream a whole box of kleenex.
c) Have a few friends 'round for a rubber of Bridge.
d) Hold a prayer meeting then self flagellate for several hours.

8) You see an old lady needing help crossing the road, do you:
a) Go and offer her your arm and escort her to the opposite side, then head straight into your local.
b) Pick her up, run across the road and dump her unceremoniously on the other side.
c) Ignore her, and have a laugh as she tries to dodge traffic.
d) Completely ignore her.  No one offered you any help when you needed it, besides there's a pelican crossing about 1/2 mile downthe road, she can use that.

9) When looking for a new shag, what is the first thing that attracts you to them:
a) How big their "tracts of land" are.
b) Whether they'd swallow on a first date.
c) How much money they have in their savings account.
d) All of the above.
e) If they are interested in knitting, crocheting, Mario Lanza and playing bowls.

10) For a night on the pull, would you wear:
a) The T-shirt and jeans with the least amount of beer, kebab grease and vomit smeared on it.
b) The first thing that falls out of the wardrobe.
c) Something smart but casual.
d) Sackcloth and Ashes.

11) Finally. If you were stuck in a lift with a hula hoop salesman, would you:
a) Crack open the tinnie of LAGER you keep secreted about your person for an emergency such as this.
b) Ask him about his job and whether he finds it a challenge.
c) Ask him if you can have a go of his hula hoop as you haven't had so much fun since 1975 when you were knocked unconscious by some kid showing off in the playground with one very similar.
d) Get out your portable copy of the catechism and try to convert him to being a boring git.
 

ANSWERS: Well, just how did you do?
If you answered mainly:

A's) Well, yes I think you're in.  You're the sort of person we want in our group.  Nothing pretentious about you.  Just a solid background of boozing, shagging and having a good time.
B's) Hmmmm. I think you need to work on it, but hey, there's hope.  Keep trying.
C's) I don't think I'd bother if I were you.
D's) Oh for fucks sake, piss off.  Who do you think you are?  How did you get a copy of this newsletter anyway.  None of your mates would seem to be the type to join either.  Yes, go on and fuck off, we don't need the likes of you here.
E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N.  Any of these letters we couldn't be bothered with.  So make your own answers up!.
 

Next Month: Just how similar to an Amiga user are you? The quiz that really sorts out the LAAAAAAADS from the JW's.  (If we remember that is.)

Well dear reader, I've had it (again) for this month.  I hope you enjoyed the quiz and if you think your good enough in the quaffing department to join our merry band of pissheads, then you're more than welcome too.

One day, I'll have a private audience with our Most revered and supreme leader The Right Royal Runaway, The VERY Reverend, His Holiness, Pope Pussy 1st.  (Oh and if there's time, I'll ask him some questions as well).