THE BACK-TO-NATURE POOP
This poop may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.

THE BRAIN HAEMORRHAGE POOP
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

THE CLEAN POOP
The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop in the bowl, but there's no poop on the toilet paper.

THE CLIFF-HANGER
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on poop to drop off, because if you wipe now it's going to smear all over the place.

THE CORN POOP
No explanation necessary.

THE CROWD PLEASER
This poop is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

THE DRINKER POOP
The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking.  It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.

THE ENERGIZER POOP
"Still Going!"

THE FLOATER
Characterized by its buoyancy, this poop has been known to resurface after many flushings.

THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD" POOP
The kind where you want to poop, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit there and fart.

THE GHOST POOP
The kind where you feel poop come out, see poop on the toilet paper, but there's no poop in the bowl.

THE GROANER
A poop so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POOP
A poop so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.

THE HONEYMOON'S OVER POOP
This is any poop created in the presence of another person.

THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POOP
When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.

THE "I THINK I'M A BUNNY" POOP
When you drop lots of cute, little round poops that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ARSE" POOP
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap.  The shape and size of this poop resembles a ½ litre can of beer.  Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE LINCOLN LOG POOP
The kind of poop that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE PLUMBER POOP
This kind of poop is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor.  (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log poop.)

THE LIQUID POOP  (ALSO KNOWN AS, "OH GOD, WHY DID I HAVE THE CHILLI..?")
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your arse, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

THE MEXICAN FOOD POOP
In a class all it's own.

THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poop occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

THE OLYMPIC POOP
This poop occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinker's.

THE PEEK-A-BOO POOP
Now you see it, now you don't.  This poop is playing games with you.  Requires patience and muscle control.

THE “PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN” POOP
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot poop.

THE PHANTOM POOP
This mysteriously appears in the toilet and no one will admit to putting it there.

THE PORRIDGE POOP
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.  You have two choices:
- Flush and keep going.
- Risk it piling up in the bowl, all the way up to your arse while you sit there helpless.

THE POWER DUMP
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down in time.

THE PREMEDITATED POOP
Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.

THE RANGER
A poop which refuses to let go.  It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution it to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

THE RITUAL
This poop occurs at the same time each day and is usually accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

THE SECOND WAVE POOP
This poop happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poop some more.

SHITZOPHERENIA
A fear of pooping - can be fatal!

THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poop which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

THE SNEAK ATTACK
A poop that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to poop (i.e. during lovemaking or a root canal work) or you are nowhere near pooping facilities.

THE SPINAL TAP
The kind of poop that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

THE "WHAT CRAWLED UP YOUR ARSE & DIED?" POOP
Also referred to as The Toxic Dump.  Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour.  Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

THE WET CHEEKS POOP
That's the kind that comes out of your arse so fast that water get splashed up your poop chute before it has chance to close.

THE WET POOP You wipe your arse fifty times and it still feels unwiped.  So you end up putting toilet paper between your bottom and your underwear so you don't ruin them with those dreaded skid marks.

One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife and begins caressing her. "I'm
sorry darling," says the wife, "I've got an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." The husband, feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.  A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have
a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?"

Q: Why do crabs have bags under their eyes?
A: Because they only sleep in snatches.

An old couple are in bed making love. "Careful," says the old girl, "I've got acute angina." "That's
good," gasps the old geezer, "'Cause your tits are knackered."

Q: Why doesn't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box.

Q. What do you call a chicken in a white shell-suit?
A. An egg.

Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull terrier.

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister,"
screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"  So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts,
"Oi! You! Fuck off!"

A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her husband. "I suppose I'll have
to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air," she says, to which her friend
replies, "Why, don't you have a vase?"

Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight pints of lager.

A boat is sinking fast when the Captain runs on deck and shouts to the passengers, "Hey, listen,
do any of you know any prayers?"  A big Texan steps up and says, "Yessir, I do." "Oh, good,"
replies the Captain,  "You'd better get started because we're a life jacket short."

Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection when she has sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A. Because his wife died.

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.  "What's going on `ere then?"
says a passing policeman.  "They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.  "Where did you last
see it?" asks the copper.  "On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.  The policeman looks him
over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"
"Holy shit!" screams the drunk, "They got me girlfriend too!"

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Q: How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q: What do Kodak and condoms have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.

Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.

A man is watching a lion taming act at the circus.  The lion tamer's finale involves holding his
genitalia between the lion's gaping jaws for a full two minutes.  This is greeted with rapturous
applause.  Afterwards the lion tamer promises 1000 pounds sterling to anyone who will try the trick.
The man leaps up and shouts, "I'll try, but I'm not sure I can hold my mouth open for that long."

The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees the words,
"The President Sucks",  written in the snow in urine.  Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands
the perpetrators be found.  Later that day the FBI agents return.  "Well sir," says the first agent,
"the urine has been analysed and it's the Vice President's".  The President goes purple with rage
and shouts, "Is that all?" "Well no sir," says the agent, "It's the First Lady's handwriting."

Q: Why did God create women?
A: Because sheep can't cook.

One day at the end of class little Chris's teacher has the class go home and think a of story and
then conclude the moral of that story.  The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.  "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load
the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.  Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story.  Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one
basket."
Next is little Mary...  "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them in the incubator.  Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."  Teacher asks
for the moral of the story.  Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
Last is little Chris... "My Uncle Ed fought in the Vietnam war.  His plane was shot down over
enemy territory.  He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and
a machete.  On the way down he drank the case of beer.  Unfortunately, he landed right in the
middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.  He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so
he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more.  The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the
last ten with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Chris and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story...
Chris replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Eddie when he's been drinking."

David Copperfield is nearing the end of one of his mega-magic extravaganzas. The audience has been (as usual) stunned by the remarkable feats of prestidigitation.

Suddenly, Copperfield announces to the audience that he'd like to try something different this time - and he invites anyone from the audience up on stage to perform a magic trick themselves.

A man near the front volunteers & joins David up on stage.  He bows & says, "For this trick, I'd like to ask the assistance of David's very lovely wife, Claudia Schiffer..."

Claudia joins the two men on the stage. The man from the audience guides her to a table at one side, bends her over it & proceeds to shag the living daylights out of the very surprised supermodel.

Copperfield is livid.  "That's not a trick!", he bellows.

"No, but it's FUCKING MAGIC!", says the man.